Paul & Dominic Quant Recruitment has been retained by a well known government based in London to seek out a replacement Chancellor of the Exchequer. This role is equivalent to that of Finance Minister in other nations, but requires a lower standard of competence and personal integrity. It represents an opportunity for those whose loyalty exceeds their competence to advance to a role reserved for the elite professional who is content to fail whilst carrying out the orders of the CEO even if they make no rational sense, and are not delivered in a recognised form of English.The ideal candidate will have the following characteristics:A clue. The replacement for the current Chancellor will be expected to have a clue. Ideally he or she should have a clue about economics, though a clue about financial regulation might be acceptable.An education, preferably one that involves arithmetic, and we are particularly interested in those candidates who have mastered the 7 times table.Skills in retribution management : The ideal candidate will be able to find scapegoats for any policy enacted during his tenure, and during the selection process will be expected to demonstrate a number of catastrophic failures in which they have been intimately involved, and how they are in no way responsible for them.Resilience : The successful candidate will be be required to sit in a room with whoever is the Home Secretary this week without finding it expedient to silence him by force of arms. Ideally the candidate should have direct experience of mental health problems.Personal Integrity : Although it was indicated above that a lower standard of personal integrity is required for the role, the client has indicated that they would prefer a candidate with none whatsoever. Given the high standards set by the present incumbent, we accept that this is a challenging filter and is seen as an an aspiration, rather than a necessary requirement. However, candidates with experience of working for the European Commission can expect to enjoy their customary advantages here.The UK government is not an equal opportunity employer and has met its quota of black and female staff by hiring Baroness Scotland who admirably serves the goal of hiring a person of colour who is also female, who although a lawyer is unable to recognise complex British government documents such as a passport. This should serve as a guide to the level of competence required for this important role.Only white males with no experience of finance should apply.The role delivers a fine home in the West of London, frequent VIP travel to warm countries, and the chance to sound important on TV. Your pension will be at a level that would impress any banker, but be index linked against the inflation that your own policies have caused. You will not be held liable for any losses incurred as a result of your incompetence, and you will be at liberty to use the bonuses of anyone who you happen to dislike to buy votes for the political party of your choice.The package includes a car with driver, together with police outriders to ensure you never interact with ordinary people, or obey red traffic lights.To apply for this role, send your CV together with 3 references to the local branch of your Trade Union, being careful to use short words and terms like "British Jobs for British Workers", "soak the rich bastards who earn more than 30K", and "state employees deserve far more pay, except of course soldiers".

Best. Job. Posting. Ever!You might try cross-posting the job on forums for recovering heroin addicts or used car salesmen.

Not so fast, Traden; I was looking this over and I have some interest. Here is an assessment of the match:"This role...represents an opportunity for those...content to fail whilst carrying out the orders of the CEO, even if they make no rational sense, and are not delivered in a recognised form of English."Check - extensive experience in working under such conditions and muddling through cheerfully."The ideal candidate will have the following characteristics:"A clue about economics - Check, with particular competency in the space between Keynes and Galbraith, though this may outrage some colleagues and members of Parliament who may be in or out of favor at any given time.An education...involving arithmetic - Check, if only up to 7 times table, and there is no "fantastic calculus", we are in good shape.Skills in retribution management: able to find scapegoats - Check, if ppauper is not available or has an alibi, then we shall seek out daveangel. There are others as well...Resilience : Check - the Home Secretary may blather on freely about any subject that interests him at the moment. This is what hip flasks are for. That "the candidate should have direct experience of mental health problems" goes without saying... we are talking about a role within the British Government, are we not?Personal Integrity : I will have to work on a downgrade here, but I am quite good at *pretending* that I have little or no integrity, so it should not take long before we can make it so.Race and gender: "Only white males with no experience of finance should apply." Well, here we have a slight problem, but I am certainly willing to undergo sexual reassignment. And if Michael Jackson could dye himself to a lighter shade of pale, then perhaps I can add henna or something and develop a semi-permanent tan. I do believe that I have little or no relevant financial experience for this role and will be willing to take appropriate risks in press conferences to prove it.The amenities sound splendid, particularly the home in London and the global travel. Appreciate the concern about the pension, but my own offshore funds should hold me nicely in my dotage. In addition, I believe that this role may offer opportunities for profitable personal trading, but I could be wrong.Concerning the car and driver and police "escorts" - would this be a Rolls Royce Phantom, by chance. And the men, are they pleasing to the eye? Just asking, is all.Ah references, shall we give Tony and Gordon a call then? It would be lovely if we could refer to this office as Second Lord of the Treasury henceforth. I believe that Gordon might enjoy the opportunity to be addressed as First Lord of the Treasury, should the change be made effective immediately.Now that is what I call Public Service for the 21st century: the public serves me very well indeed.

Regarding the car, trackstar, I am afraid you would have to be happy with an extremely unimpressive Jag S-type, since that's what I saw him in once.

another bait-and-switch ad from a headhunter

To be a darling Chancellor of the Exchequer, one needs to be skilled at sophistry, strawmen, and willful ignorance.For a mere 1 basis point of GDP, I'll gladly coach prospective candidates on how to convert blue lollipops into green shoots.P.S. Payment to be made in gold, not gilts. Thank you!